Frustration, Enlightenment, and Direction

I was reading randomly about some open auditions being held by Steve Vai (wonderful guitar player, check him out at vai.com) and it kind of rushed back to me as to how much I miss playing the trumpet and guitar, either as a soloist or within an ensemble context.

After a month or so of complete disassociation with the horn and the music program, I find myself looking back at what I did those first two quarters and can't say that I am at all satisfied with what I did/accomplished in that time. I could attribute it to several things, but first and foremost is how much I abused or ignored the confidence placed in me by others. What tended to be a regular occurrence would be the receipt of complements, praise, or other general encouragement, which I externally acknowledged but drowned internally in what was by then a roiling sea of self-doubt and fatigue. Like any feedback loop, this grew until all that I seemed able to concentrate on was my impending failure, instead of the generally positive direction I was otherwise on. And you know what happened? I failed, gloriously. I'm really displeased with that, because quite a few people, be it in classes, performance, or otherwise, felt that I had a great deal of talent/potential/whatever and told me as much, and then I went and completely blew it, while being fully cogent of the tack that I was on. To all of you, I offer this as a kind of public apology. Thanks for your kind words, and I'm sorry that they fell on deaf ears at the time.

Of all the mistakes/learning through strife that I've done so far, there's one action that I haven't yet made. I haven't sold the horn, I haven't yet decided to quit, and I find myself itching to play again. Predictable? Probably. Even if I'm not majoring in the playing of the thing anymore, I'd be making a seriously dumb move if I were to put it down for good. How to pick it up again isn't something I've been able to settle on yet, since I'm just plain burnt out on traditional trumpeting. All I know is that at some point, I'll be able to do so, and if that's the only good thing that comes of this, then I'll be glad for it.

See ya next week.